If you’re dating for marriage you need to learn how to recognise decoys or, as my friend Lyn and I like to call them – Decepticons. Decepticons come in various forms and learning how to identify them in the shortest possible time is vital.
Type 1: YOU’RE JUST NOT INTO HIM
These are men who look good on paper but that you just don’t find attractive. If you have ‘a list’ -you shouldn’t, you should have non-negotiables and there should be no more than two or three- everything on that list checks out BUT the feeling just isn’t there; you can’t connect emotionally at all. You forget this man exists, you never miss him, you only tolerate him because you feel bad about not liking him since he’s ‘everything you want’ and you hang on to him in case nothing better comes along. You’re being unfair to this man and you’re short-changing yourself: it’s beneath you. You can do better than be motivated by fear. Let him go. And while you’re at, if you do have a list you might want to think about chucking it out because clearly, it’s not serving you well.
Type 2: HE DOESN’T like YOU LIKE THAT
Marriage is incredibly difficult. Some people even claim that getting married is a sure-fire way to kill a relationship but here’s the thing: people who say that are usually men with commitment issues or women dating men they know are not worthy of the husband title. Sure these people might love their partners, but they know it’s a for-now situation and they want the option of an out, just in case their worst fears come true. Leaving a girlfriend/boyfriend is always going to be easier than leaving a spouse. Marriage is not for everyone nor should it be, but obviously I’m talking to people who understand and accept the value of marriage as an important building-block of society. If you’re anti-marriage, this isn’t for you.
This Type 2 Decepticon wastes your time by saying all the right things but doing none of them. He says and does just enough to keep you hoping and believing and sexing, but falls just short of giving you the exclusive commitment and the security you really want. Hear this: if a man doesn’t want to lose you he’ll make sure he doesn’t, but if his life is not improved by your presence in it he’ll do the bare minimum: you’re Miss Good-enough till Miss Game-changer comes on by. If you’re not his game-changer – you’ll know if you are – keep it moving.
Type 3: HE MAKES YOUR LADY-PARTS EXCEEDINGLY HAPPY, and DASSIT
Now, don’t get me wrong. If you know anything at all about marriage you know that sex is very important, but if you know a lot about marriage you’ll know that good sex won’t save a bad marriage. If all this man is good for is several screaming Os a day (please Lord), that alone is not enough to build a relationship on, certainly not a marriage. If he’s not your intellectual equal (NOT measured in degrees fyi); if he can’t give you emotional and spiritual support (a man has to be able to ‘stand in the gap’ for his wife and ‘cover’ her); if he can’t fulfill his God-given role to ‘provide and protect’ – that man is not husband-material. You would do well to RUN before all that oxytocin makes you make a bad decision.
Decepticons are called that because they deceive you into thinking they’re the real deal. Decoys, or Decepticons, come into your life to steal your time, energy and your resources; to keep you from finding the love God has for you; and to destroy your sense of worth/self-esteem by making you think you’re unloveable and convincing you you’ll die alone. You have to be self-aware to recognise a Type 1 Decepticon so do the work to figure out who you are, what kind of relationship makes you thrive, and then grow into the kind of woman your kind of man would value.
You have to be paying attention to how a man treats you and to how he makes you feel to identify Types 2 and 3. If we (women) paid as much attention to our emotional health as we do to our looks and gassing each other up with lies, we’d be far better off because we’d recognise those threats to the pillars of our self-esteem long before they did any real damage.
What other kinds of Decepticons do you know? Tell me, please!