One of the things I’m going to get my squad to teach my daughter is never to spend time on a man who has rejected her. The work you do to put yourself back together is painful and time- and energy-consuming -why willingly go through that for a man who doesn’t want you? That will be the gist of the lesson.
What this means is that I need to expose my daughter to women who know that they are goddesses and live like it; women who have learnt the secret of feminine power; women who do not apologise for giving zero fucks as they live their lives, but are graceful and poised (think Adichie in any interview) at all times because they’ve fought the battles and won the wars, because they understand that to be a woman is to not be a man, and know too that different is not the same as less-than. The kind of women who don’t chase after men who don’t want them, because each and every one of them knows that just as everybody is not for her, she is not for everybody.
It means I need to be that woman. The kind of woman who has all her shit together.
Basically what I’m saying is: if you’re in my squad I’m going to ask you to help me set a good example for my daughter and yours, for all the daughters. We owe it to younger women in general and to our daughters in particular to do better, to be the examples we say they need, the ones we wish we’d had.
We owe it to them not just to ‘lean in’ but also to live true and to live loud; to show them what power looks like; what love looks like, both in terms of loving and being loved; we all owe it to our descendants and the descendants of our ‘villages’ to help every other woman live her highest calling. We owe it to them because we owe it to ourselves. We are all learning, us and the daughters, but we have something they don’t have: experience. We have to stop lying about life and start being honest about what the game is and how it’s played; we are the ones to break the news that it’s actually not a game anymore.
Life is farquing hard work and I’m too busy finding the virtue in honest labour to spend any time or energy on men who don’t want me. Ain’t nobody got time for that, and our daughters can only learn that from us. We have not been able to treat ourselves right but let’s treat our daughters right: we can start by not forcing them to watch us be rejected and humiliated by men who would never have had the opportunity if we hadn’t given it to them. We need to get our shit together. Let’s at least give our daughters that.