Something I’d been looking forward to that seemed as though it was all gold turned out to be…not. I watch myself from outside myself, expecting to fall apart, but I don’t. Well, not yet, anyway. Knock on wood. Why the difference? This time when the end came it wasn’t out of the blue. That’s not to say it was anticipated, just that I knew that it was in the realm of possibility and so when it happened I wasn’t left asking ‘But why? But how?’ The axis shifted and shifting with it rather than being rigid and thus breaking was a big ask because you know, inertia. This time as the universe tilted I tilted with it all the while keeping my centre of gravity on something outside and therefore independent of the tilting axis, and that’s how it is that I’m still standing. Pharq yeah, I’m scienceing the shit out of alladis.

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This time I allowed myself to see the worst-case scenario and then prepare for it without closing myself to the possibility of experiencing the best of outcomes. I dared and I lost, and I have absolutely no regrets because I gave my all, knowing full well that what I was doing was taking a big risk. Things didn’t work the way I anticipated but given the chance I would do it all over again because at every point I was my true authentic self. No manipulative games. No lies. No subterfuge. Just me. There’s therefore nothing I could do differently without also introducing an element of holding back and/or pretence, and I’m not about that; life is too short to waste time on falsehoods. I saw exactly how things could go down because I forced myself to confront things I didn’t want to face. At the height of summer I wasn’t in denial about the very real possibility of frost and snow, though of course I hoped the summer sun would never go down. I steadied myself for the possibility of winter (this was hard but I’m glad I did it) even as I basked in the summer glow. Now that winter is here, I’ve got my earmuffs and my gloves on, and I’m walking around like ‘I got this’ because you know what? I got this.

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I didn’t think I could avoid falling apart but pharq it, I’m still standing. I’m still standing because I’m holding onto my truth: my story is not over yet. A chapter might be ending but the story is still being written, the narrative is still unfolding. I am a great work in progress and therefore things can only get better because God don’t make no junk. I’m not even saying that in the ‘RaRa go me!’ attitude we put on to deal with pain and trauma of the deep emotional hurts-so-bad-you-wanna-puke kind. I’m saying that in the sense of B,- I’m still here so my story can’t be over, and since my story isn’t over it must be an epic doozy, a tale of greatness simply because it would be foolish to believe I’m living through this for what, nothing? No. I don’t believe that because that’s not who God is, and I know God is all up and in this danceree. One thing I know for sure is the truth of His infinity and His Presence. Y’all may not want to hear that but it’s the truth. I know I’m going to do great things because God does great things and though I’m somewhat disappointed because one potential expression of that greatness seems to have ‘died a death’, I know it wasn’t a premature death and I know that que sera sera because God, my God, is that kind of awesome.

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There is so much freedom in walking in your truth (line of the moment) even when it’s an unpalatable truth. It’s ok to admit that there are people who don’t want you even though on the face of it, it hurts. You’re not for everybody, nobody is; facing that becomes even easier when you realise that though it’s true, it’s not the whole truth. Yes, he may not want you, she may not want you, and the rejection may hurt like a – like something that hurts really bad, but the truth of the matter is that that’s just your ego hurting because it’s been bruised and it will pass. It hurts because your idea of yourself doesn’t include the truth that there are people who don’t think you’re all that, who could choose to walk away from you. You have to start facing the truth not everybody is going to appreciate you for who you are, and that’s ok. It’s also true that there are people who DO want you. You may not feel that way, but it’s true. Why focus on those who won’t or can’t see your awesomeness, who can’t or won’t make room for you in their lives? Just be you. Just do you. Just live your authentic self and you’ll attract what you need, what is for you, instead of fighting to keep that which doesn’t serve you or your best interests. Dare to believe that the universe is on your side, that only good things are coming your way, but first all what is not for you has to fall away. So let it fall away. Stop fighting for things that are not yours to fight for. Start living with arms wide open to receive that which IS meant for you.

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