Puff and Pass

I found myself suddenly feeling lonely
When up till that moment I’d been revelling in me only.
I was struck, suddenly, by just how far away you are: literally, figuratively and even – I’ve read your work – metaphorically.
I could not weave words into the strange-familiar like you do,
My talent is coaldust to your diamond, it’s too true;
I find myself shamed that I ever thought I had even an ounce of creativity but
Then again I’ve been told my middle name is naivety.
It hit me, in that moment, that you breathe a rarefied air that I could never presume to inhale in this lifetime,
That though you became my lifeline you can never be all mine.

Yes. It’s true. Yes I went there, I did dare because I have grown to care;
What is there to lose if true emotion I lay bare?
I miss you so much that in one of my calibre it’s undignified,
Or so I like to think, I have a disproportionate sense of my own status
-Or do I mean stature? – Ngingakukwanisa kodwa? –
In my head it’s ill-defined.

In my despair that we dare not pair I almost surrendered to a lack of care for my own welfare and contemplated letting another take me there – desperate times:
The trick, they say, to getting over one who has been a snare.

I admit it with no shame because you cannot attach blame when you’re the one who promised but eventually never came.

I’m not rationalising merely soliloquizing: I’m agonizing because lately
The admiring has become the desire to be acquiring
That which I have no business requiring;
I just need to stop aspiring. Silly old me.

I’m alone and that’s OK but in the light of day
I’m lonely though there is much I could say.

I said no. You know I couldn’t go.
The truth – I’m just going to say it: I want you to be my beau.
I’m not asking – I’m old. Fashioned. – I’m just admitting
That I’m basking in the glow of your attention phela
This that we’ve been doing is the very opposite of alienation of affection.

I’m under no illusions, but please leave me to my delusions.
They keep me warm when my heart is chilled by the reality of the hole that you’ve drilled – which drilling you never fail to mention will have me -but how, I ask? –  completely filled.

In case you missed my point all I’m saying is puff and pass, pass the joint:
It’s just a dream lets hope actuality does not disappoint.


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