Puff and Pass

I found myself suddenly feeling lonely
When up till that moment I’d been revelling in me only.
I was struck, suddenly, by just how far away you are: literally, figuratively and even – I’ve read your work – metaphorically.
I could not weave words into the strange-familiar like you do,
My talent is coaldust to your diamond, it’s too true;
I find myself shamed that I ever thought I had even an ounce of creativity but
Then again I’ve been told my middle name is naivety.
It hit me, in that moment, that you breathe a rarefied air that I could never presume to inhale in this lifetime,
That though you became my lifeline you can never be all mine.

Yes. It’s true. Yes I went there, I did dare because I have grown to care;
What is there to lose if true emotion I lay bare?
I miss you so much that in one of my calibre it’s undignified,
Or so I like to think, I have a disproportionate sense of my own status
-Or do I mean stature? – Ngingakukwanisa kodwa? –
In my head it’s ill-defined.

In my despair that we dare not pair I almost surrendered to a lack of care for my own welfare and contemplated letting another take me there – desperate times:
The trick, they say, to getting over one who has been a snare.

I admit it with no shame because you cannot attach blame when you’re the one who promised but eventually never came.

I’m not rationalising merely soliloquizing: I’m agonizing because lately
The admiring has become the desire to be acquiring
That which I have no business requiring;
I just need to stop aspiring. Silly old me.

I’m alone and that’s OK but in the light of day
I’m lonely though there is much I could say.

I said no. You know I couldn’t go.
The truth – I’m just going to say it: I want you to be my beau.
I’m not asking – I’m old. Fashioned. – I’m just admitting
That I’m basking in the glow of your attention phela
This that we’ve been doing is the very opposite of alienation of affection.

I’m under no illusions, but please leave me to my delusions.
They keep me warm when my heart is chilled by the reality of the hole that you’ve drilled – which drilling you never fail to mention will have me -but how, I ask? –  completely filled.

In case you missed my point all I’m saying is puff and pass, pass the joint:
It’s just a dream lets hope actuality does not disappoint.

I dreamed of you

When the world was still pure
Even then I dreamed of you.
Over hill and under dale
I searched. And in the vale
All I could find was your shadow
As I  searched for you to untangle my afro.
Decades passed the dream was lost
Till one day you began to thaw the Frost.

When in these things I was an infant;
Knew nothing and was innocent –

But now I know
You alone can give me that glow.
It only took but an instant.

36 minutes to midnight: an epiphany

Happiness lies in everyday, in the still moments just as much as in the noisy eventful ones.
Happiness is in the journey
Not just in arriving at the destination,
Certainly not in prevarication
And obscuring of the situation.
It’s in living life intentionally Instead of just coasting along
Calling it all droll
Letting things happen to you Instead of exercising your agency And forgive the cliché
Making things happen;
Adulthood is hard and it is glorious
Especially if you conquer the beast and emerge victorious.
It is worth every moaned ‘I’m too young for this’ and every sighed ‘adulting sucks’ – isn’t that the crux?
True adulthood understands what happiness is, and it is not Something the world owes you, but Something you carry within you and Share with the world.
Stop chasing it, take a deep breath Let what is within you illuminate the world
You’ll discover that tears come From not living your truth,
That living truth is being happy, That it has been turned into an unfunny joke that doesn’t even have a punch line
Is in essence not just an tired gag But a mockery of the very essence of humanity.
The commercialisation of everything is killing everything up to and including our souls.
We’re all are jonesing for wonder Mystery, and awe; we’re s’posed to be
Growing through and up.
What vain hope
If all we have to look forward to
Is spending more
Chasing paper just to get more
Working harder and longer to make more; not realising
That real happiness
The truth of what is the essence
Lies in Being more.