My Today Heaven

Oil burner
Oil burner

This, this scent in my room right now, -if today was a day in heaven this is what heaven would smell like, today. This is it. This is the scent. Right now, my heaven smells like pinkness, happiness, and like sweet pastel joy.

It’s not the red, heavy smell of deep passion, nor the lighthearted powder-blue smell of the sweet pure innocence of childhood friendship – yes, sometimes i smell and feel in colour and that’s what those things smell and feel and look like to me.

This scent, though it is achingly…pretty, and very pink with orangey overtones, is nonetheless not flighty or lacking in depth as pretty often is in the face of beautiful,

nor as wispy-seeming as pink sometimes is in the presence of red.

My room  smells like heaven: the creative, energy-rich, aliveness of heaven; the very center of the universe.

It smells familiar and also unknown: I recognise what this smell would be if it was an emotion or a state of being, or even a memory.

The bouquet is of a man, but not just any man.

This is the scent of an honourable upright man, but not just any good man.

This is a man in the truest sense of the word,

where a man is only a man in the presence of a woman,

where a father is only a father because there is a mother, and

where there can be no husband without wife.

This is a man who is the perfect complement to woman, fitting with her the way earth fits with sky – perfectly, completely: there are no gaps in that melding, no tears, no points of separateness.

Yet the two are separate, as complete when they are apart as they are in their togetherness. Two wholes making up one united whole. Yes, you read that right. One plus one can equal one. That is the kind of man that I’m thinking of, wanting, dreaming of tonight.

The scent in my room tonight is heaven-scent, pun intended. It is the scent of love, but not just any love.

This is love as it was gifted to humanity by the Father when time began: creative love, living love – the very same love that is the essence, the core of the Father’s power; the kind of love that we all want:

the movie kind of love, the nicholas-cage-giving-up-immortality kind of love,

the you-know-it-doesn’t-exist-but-you-want-it-anyway kind of love.

The kind of love that makes babies -i told you it’s a creative kind of love- the kind of love we all thought kells was singing about: the greatest sex kind of love.

Tonight, heaven smells like sex. But not just any sex. Unwrinkle your nose.

No, this is not the smell of just any kind of sex. This is not the sweaty, stolen sex that eventually gave you ‘experience’, and ‘skill’ or so you think.

No, not that sex.

This is the kind of sex that had you sprung,


the sex that made you dare all, be all, feel all,

that life-affirming kind of sex.

This isn’t sex mahlayana nje – what? Are you kidding?

This is the kind of sex that had you crying and you didn’t know what for; emotion so deep you couldn’t name it, only feel it and let it take you over.

The kind of sex that you call ‘making love’, proving that not all orgasms are created equal. Some orgasms you just can’t get outside of love.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking – there is no such man, no such love, no such lovemaking.

Well, I don’t know. I mean, what do i know?

All I know is I’m smelling all those things and how can I smell things that don’t exist?

In another universe,


another me is with that man right now, in that love, making that love…

and in this universe, I get just a whiff of it, across space and through time.


maybe I’m being inexorably drawn towards these things,

these things that my soul recognizes by scent.

Maybe I’m gravitating towards that kind of love, that heavenly love –

That kind of heaven exists for me; it shall surely manifest. It must, and soon, because I already know what it smells like, my today heaven.

– Isn’t the human being an amazing animal to be able to experience so much depth and variety to joy? But God you guys! I mean God! What love is this, to give such unnameable joy, to give life, for isn’t love, in all it’s aspects, the very essence of life? What is the ‘abundant life’ He came to give us, if it is not love in all its forms? I never want to be blind and deaf to that joy ever again.

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