all hail the hymen!

All hail the hymen! The power of the membrane! Being virginal no longer equates with being coy, nor does it mean being asexual. This is a lesson that I sincerely wish all girls would be taught at some point before they decide to go to bed with that pimply-faced youth or aging lothario, whatever the case may be. To the contrary, possession of the once-celebrated membrane gives you the power of yes; yes, touch me there, and also the power of no; no, you’re not going any further than that.

That little membrane, seemingly innocuous, is an untapped energy source.  It means you keep your wits about you when the groaning oaf above you is losing his. As my friend put it, it is power. According to her, and I wholly agree, virginity is not something women lose – we choose to give it up. So many women do not realise what power that little membrane gives them and unknowingly surrender that weapon, sometimes wisely, sometimes foolishly, always painfully. Whether she has been misled into thinking its proof of a lifetime commitment, or whether she’s just tired of the damn thing – she hands her power over willingly; as the same friend aptly put it, it’s like laying an ak47 at the feet of your oldest and most cunning enemy and then saying ‘please don’t shoot me, I’m defenceless.’

Think about it – no woman ever lost her virginity by accident; forget whatever you’ve heard about horse-riding and aerobics. Once you’ve lost it though, it’s a whole ‘nother ball game. Sex is easier, freer, and the older and more liberated you become, the easier and freer, and more liberating, it becomes in turn. Ask any ‘cougar’.  In this age of sexual freedom for both sexes, a one-night stand is not the end of the world anymore. Indeed, it might be just what you need to get you out of that state of tension after a hard week. And ending up having sex, when the original intentional was just to lock lips – well, who hasn’t done that? But this freedom is just an illusion and the time will come when you realise that there is no such thing as sex without consequences. This realisation will come when you’re alone in your bed, wondering why there are men willing enough to be called ‘uncle’ by your fatherless  children (proof positive of the liberating nature of sex eh?), but a dearth of men willing to stay long enough to be called ‘dad’. It will come when you count the number of men you’ve slept with … and need your toes to make up the digits – and lie about the total. When that happens, you’ll wonder what you thought you were doing hopping from bed to bed – and just why you thought it was liberating.

In those hazy long-forgotten days when you were a virgin, you never accidentally fell into sex – IMPOSSIBLE. The day you ‘lost’ your virginity, you actually chose to give it up. And since then, you’ve sometimes had sex by accident. Were they really accidents? Did you really think he had ‘etchings’ to show you?

Think of all those failed relationships, all the sweaty groaning, the one-night stands, the ones that screwed you, and then screwed you up – none of that would have happened if you’d kept your legs crossed, if you’d waited. Even if you’d just waited another year, your story would be different. Seriously, if you’ve been sleeping with an average of three men a year, think what a difference one year would make to your grand total. What about two years? Three? There is a world of difference between having slept with three men and having slept with nine. So to all those out there still hanging on – hone your skills while you contemplate the recipient of the greatest honour. The man who gets to share that first sexual encounter with you should be a man who appreciates it and is ready to honour you for the rest of his life. Don’t be fooled into thinking it doesn’t matter – it matters to you and it will matter to the right man. Any man who ridicules you for waiting, anybody who mocks or teases or makes light of your choice is not worth the time it would take to explain why you’re choosing to wait. Your virginity is power – and you get to choose whom to allow to see you at your most vulnerable. Is that not liberating in and of itself? You have the power to choose who gets to master your body – do you realise the freedom in that? You’ll never regret a one-night stand. You’ll never wish you’d waited longer. You’ll never wonder if he would have stayed around if you’d not given it up so soon.

Yes, men will leave when they realise you’re not putting out – but do you really want a man who’s with you because you give it up – there’ll always be someone younger, tighter, sexier than you. Don’t you want to be free in the knowledge that sex is the icing on the cake of your togetherness and not the entire cake? Who doesn’t want that?


Don’t hide your sexuality, flaunt it. Go on those dates; kiss those boys like your very life depended on it.  At any rate, your future prowess in this area depends a great deal on experience so go for it. Learn how to give good head, and how to stroke a man to satisfaction. Learn who you are in bed, tigress or timid field mouse…it doesn’t matter which, what matters is that you know and like who you are. As another friend of mine put it, you need to get to a point where you know what you like and don’t like, and can ask for what you like without apologising. Wanting good sex is something no woman, no matter what age or level of experience should ever have to apologise for. So, learn your body, and learn the male body, for just as you have to know what you like, you also have to know what men in general like, before specialising in your man in particular.  Like I said earlier, just because you’re a virgin is no reason not to enjoy your sexuality. Being virginal does not mean you are sexless and an object of pity, it means you are choosing to keep your most precious asset for a man who is really worthy of you, and no one but you can make that judgement. In the meantime, enjoy learning your body, and learning the male anatomy. Use your lips, your hands, his mouth, and his hands – just because you’re not letting him penetrate doesn’t mean you can’t make love – there are many ways to please kill a pussy-cat.



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