ZANU is bleeding the nation dry and there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth like people forgot #zanundeyeropa
When you were all dancing in the streets that night and I asked what you’re dancing for hanthi you told me to take several seats and let the people rejoice for change? Nanko ke. Rejoice. Has change not come?
I’m pissed off because I was all set to do the things then was rudely awakened from that dream when I was in Byo in October and money did strange and wonderful things like metamorphose across three currencies (one a quasi/faux/kinda currrency but let’s not split hairs) while disappearing in quite the dramatic fashion.
I’m pissed off because I know amazing people who have the skills attitudes and behaviours to develop innovative interventions to turn the country around but can’t, hobbled as they are by cronyism, nepotism and lack of access to zanu fuckery machinery due to having the wrong surname, coming from the wrong region not to mention the very real fear of government (read: zanu) reprisals against anybody who questions the stellar job being done by The Crocodile and his henchmen. See what I did there? Safety first, kids. What, you thought all that went goodbye and asante sana with Ol’ Bob, never to be heard from again? You ill-informed, foolishly optimistic fool.
I’m pissed off because my personal situation is such that I am a person of no nation likely to be of no fixed abode soon (you laugh) because I was disenfranchised at home long before that happened anywhere else (Haha, you thought this wasn’t about me? Do you know me at all?!).
I’m pissed off because I personally know people who are maybe not quite upper echelon in zanu but close enough that if they were so inclined they could pull off a Trojan mission and put us out of our collective misery. But they won’t. And we all know why, don’t we? The hand that feeds you and all that. Is it their problem that that hand should be feeding you too but isn’t? They’re just minding their own business and nobody can be mad about that, right? Right?
I’m pissed off because I know other people not affiliated with zanu (except perhaps by way of being on watch lists) who have the most brilliant ideas and strategies (and connections) that in a free society would serve public interest in ways that would change lives – entire communities – but who are personae non gratae at immigration because duh, sovereignty, you know. Western puppets and all that… issa no from Zim I mean zanu.
I’m so annoyed right now. Pissed off in fact. Pissed off af actually – but really I’m angry at myself for being triggered by zanu shenanigans when zanu is simply doing what zanu has been doing, i.e. bleeding the nation dry since day 1 (wink if you’re a born-free). Everybody knows ZANU ndeye ropa.
I’ve been rambling on about how my 2019 is made up of three elements which together form the entirety of my ‘work’ – the creation of my best life. See the previous posts here, here and here. I hope you’ve been following along and implementing at least some of the ideas.
Like most grown folk I’m not entering 2019 out of a vacuum. I come bearing a past, a history filled with errors and missteps, lost opportunity, fear and failure (yeah yeah all the good things too) so 2019 is for me a chance to restart; a do-over if you will that I fully intend to grab with both hands. Grace. Grace to Revive. Reimagine. And Reinvent. I’m in no rush at all. If I need to spend the entire year laying the foundation for my greatness before I start building, then so be it.
Come, friend. The journey continues or better yet, Excelsior!
Resolutions tend to fail because they’re usually short-sighted and lack investment in a ‘why’. For example, your resolution is to ‘work out more.’ Why do you think gyms fill up in the first few weeks of January and are back to grunting muscle-heads and the skinny blondes who love them by the second of February? Because ‘work out more’ on its own inspired nobody to work out more. Why? Because there has to be a bigger reason to working out than simply working out. There has to be a bigger why. Even ‘to get fit’ lacks that thing that will get you to the fitness levels you envy every time you open up that ‘fitness inspiration’ folder on your phone. What’s missing is an even bigger why. Why do you want to work out more? Why do you want to be fitter, to eat healthier, to make more money?
To put it simply, for your resolutions to stick and for you not to fail at life, basically you have to:
Interrogate your to-do list/goals until you have your whys and then
Reverse-engineer that shit to come up with actionable steps to which you will commit.
That’s real goal-setting and those are real resolutions that won’t dissipate into regret and shame by February 2.
Commit to your commitments by committing to time management. With time (as with money) you can’t eat your cake and still have it (makes more sense that way, right?). If you spend your time out partying that’s time you no longer have to spend working your goals. It’s a simple concept with a simple fix: budget your time and stick to your budget.
Sigh. If only it was that easy.
Time (again like money) is complicated by our relationships. You will have to re-evaluate your relationships and perhaps even let some go in order to get a grip on your most valuable resource – your time – and bring your vision into reality. The people who want your success won’t begrudge you the time you spend working toward it. Read that again and let it sink in.
So as you go about reviving your dream and reimagining your future and reinventing yourself (in this dimension), understand that resolutions – goals – will require sacrifice. What’s important is that you clarify that vision and commit to it and to yourself. If your commitment is steady and unwavering anything that doesn’t serve you will naturally fall away.
When you become aware of where your time goes you’ll notice the friends who only call when they’re in trouble. You’ll see clearly who shows up with demands on your time but isn’t available for you. You’ll also see your own foibles in your relationships: whose time you take for granted, who you fail to appreciate, whose affection and consideration you don’t reciprocate, and you’ll get to decide whether to re-invest in the relationship or let it fade to black. You will plan where and how to spend your time: partying with the partyers, or building solid relationships that will stand the tests of time and distance and add real value to that ‘best life’ you’re creating. All this, free, if you decide you want your new life more than your old life. OK, maybe not free…but you get my point. Right?
A Final Word:
You have to carve time out to pursue your goals on top of time spent maintaining your life (housekeeping, relationships – the ones you want and value – and things of that sort). Be careful of time wasters such as social media, relationship drama, mindlessness and so on. Don’t say, this time in 2019, that you didn’t have time.
Here’s to you and your best life. Here’s to us in 2019.
If you could talk to my girlfriends and ask them what advice I gave most often I hope they’d quote me on kindness to one’s self and ‘doing the work.’ Read this post for more information on what ‘the work’ is.
In 2019 we’re not out-sourcing the proper care and feeding of our souls, we’re handling that shit ourselves and it’s called radical selfcare.
The selfcare part is pretty self-explanatory but why radical? It’s really quite simple. Radical selfcare is excusing yourself without apology from situations and relationships where you feel undermined, undervalued, unappreciated and uncared for. And it is also prioritising you. Fill up your own soul because nobody can pour from an empty cup. Radical? In a world where self-sacrifice is lauded, you bet it is.
Nobody else matters to you like you, and you’re going to stop being fearful of acting like that’s a fact.
Selfcare is the only foundation from which you can launch your greatness.
Everything you want is on the other side of your fear. Everything you need to face that fear is dependent on you making the most of your gifts, talents, resources, and relationships. Trust me when I tell you that if you’re gonna go toe-to-toe with the fear monster, you’d better bring your A-game. There’s no A-game if you don’t love yourself, and you’ll know if you do by how you treat yourself.
If self-love is the foundation of radical selfcare then there are going to be common denominators, things that women who love themselves stand for, believe in and practise. Imma break it down for you.
First, it’s important to recognise that selfcare is necessary and important. In the depth of my depression the last thing I wanted to do was roll out of bed and take a shower, let alone get my nails done. My neglect of personal hygiene was indicative of just how bad things were and trust me, things were very, very bad.
Now don’t get it twisted: human beings are complex and impeccable grooming doesn’t necessarily mean your self-perception, self-acceptance and self-esteem are on point. We all know a woman with fabulous styling, beat face every day and hair laid who still let’s others treat her badly…iss deep yo, but how and whether you complete the basic tasks of caring for your body is an important marker for the state of your wellbeing. If you’re not caring for your body chances are you’re not caring for much and that will tell you whether your selfcare practise is on point and you need only to maintain, or sorely lacking and you need to kick it up a notch or three. Anybody who knows anything will tell you that the first step to dealing with depression is…you guessed it, the baby step of getting out of bed and taking that shower. Basic selfcare. Next? Bigger steps. Radical selfcare.
If you love yourself you’ll be intentional about making time for you. This is specifically time set aside for you to be with you, just to relax, wind down and enjoy your own company. Read a book that isn’t on a required reading list, meditate, take a walk, go for a run that isn’t part of your weight-loss plan, bake a cake, make a cordon bleu meal and savour it…the point is to take time out at least once a week to feed your soul yourself. Not only will this boost your creativity but it will also prevent burnout and the resentment that may build up from always giving to others. Give yourself your most valuable resource: your time. You won’t regret it.
If you love yourself, talk to yourself like you do. Watch the self talk. None of this will fill up your soul cup if you are your biggest critic, constantly berating yourself in your head. You can be phly all you like and spend hours alone but if your thoughts toward yourself aren’t loving and kind, what you’re doing is not selfcare and will do more harm than good. Therapy, meditation, affirmations, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), Ho’oponopono, hypo-therapy – whatever works for you, learn it and do it. Selfcare includes learning the skills to provide the care you need so go out there and learn those skills. You’re worth it, and you deserve it.
People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad.
Human bodies do not store memory of pain (no woman would have more than one child if they did) but human hearts do. And pain migrates. And it is mutable.
When you love someone you hold a little piece of them in your soul and when they’re gone that’s a part of you ripped away too and you’ll never get it back. You only live around it.
Time and changes in perspective may knit the edges of that wound together but there will always be the pang of loss attached to the memories.
A lump in your throat becomes a weight in your chest becomes an inability to draw adequate breath becomes falling hair becomes poor health becomes any number of things that signal that something important is gone from your life and body, heart, mind and soul are trying to function around that empty space… because pain. Migrates. And it is mutable.
Christmas foolishness is over (if you were about that life), back to pre-planning for 2019.
Before we go any further though it’s important that we let go of 2018 the right way, especially if you found the dying year difficult. You do not want to carry those bad vibes and negativity into the new year. Here’s how you can make the most of your 2018 experiences to create a great 2019.
Step 1 : be grateful for what made you stronger
All the crap that you went through not only humbled you but it showed you where you need to do better, where you need to get stronger because weaklings don’t win and life is teaching you how to win at life.
Maybe you need to set firmer boundaries in your relationships. Maybe you need to stop being so foolish with money and time; stop spending those resources all willy-nilly like a chicken ninny. Maybe like me you saw flames with mental health and need to establish, strengthen and prioritise practises that will support your wellness. The point I’m making is that you can’t just moan about the crap year without a willingness to learn from the things that you did or did not do that contributed to that crappiness, and a commitment to do doing better in the new year by applying the lessons you’ve learned.
You survived dammit, that’s already a win. You’re already stronger because 2018 didn’t kill you, acknowledge that and say thank you.
Step 2: be grateful for what went well and commit to more of it in 2019
What went well for you in 2018? What do you want more of?
It’s too easy to write off the entire year but that would be you lying to yourself because no matter how much shit you had to wade through, the year was not a total wash. It feels that way but everybody knows feelings are stupid so take the time to list the positives. Made a new friend that you want to see more of and get to know better? Had a positive experience learning a new skill? How are you going to make the most of that? Travelled a little and enjoyed that? Travel more. Read a book that left a positive impression?
Whatever it is, how are you going to get more of it in 2019? This is where commitment comes in. You have to consciously choose to amplify the good things in the coming year, and you can’t do that if you refuse to acknowledge that there were any positives.
Step Three: Commit to using Steps 1 and 2 to Create Your Best Life
See, I told you it’s not about living your best life but about creating it every day. That’s ‘the work’ of life that we all need to do; that is your one and only job on this planet and you’re going to have to take it seriously if you want to goddess through 2019. Get out your notebook. Start writing your lessons and how you’re going to apply them.
What habits are you establishing to support your best life? What are you embracing in 2019 so that you have less crap to shovel and more peace and joy? How are you going to show up in your life differently from 2018?
You’ll never reinvent if you’re not grateful for learning the lessons you needed to learn, even if the biggest lesson was don’t be stupid. You can’t create a new life if you’re still stuck in the old one.
How are you saying goodbye to 2018? What rituals are you engaging in so you can move forward without baggage?
I’m a snack and 2018 was the hangry (no typo) hippopotamus determined to turn me into a meal.
Like most people I barely survived 2018. In fact, I might still crash & burn so I’m pretending to myself that I’m already in 2019 just so I can be done with the shit-show that was 2018.
Unfortunately the end of the year doesn’t mean my 2018 problems are going to go *poof* at midnight on the 31st of December. Contrary to everything Hans Anderson and Cosmo tried to teach us, life is not afairytale. Also, Prince Charming is trash (has a tiny penis and needs to borrow your car), and adulthood is not about ‘living your best life’. Turns out it’s more about surviving all those lemons life keeps handing you when all you really want is more money, more wine, more sex, and a restorative nap between finishing your chores and running your errands. It’s really not too much to ask but to hear Life tell it…
It’s time to turn that shit around because clearly self-medicating, denial and lowering your standards (all of them up to and including basic self-care) has not worked out at all. Remember earlier I said adulting is not about living your best life? Well there’s a rider on that: it’s not about living your best life, it’s about creating it every day. What all the gurus, speakers, influencers and motivators have to hide from you so that you keep buying their books and retreats is that you will never live your best life unless you create it, and no book, seminar or retreat is going to be a substitute for doing that creative work. It is, quite literally, the work of a lifetime. I discovered this the hard way, by way of a rancid, malodourous, filthy year called 2018. I swear, if surviving death-by-annus2018 added years gratis, I’d be well on my way to immortality.
All of the above being true and having cracked the code to best-life living, 2019 is all about putting my life back together (but better), and this post is me telling you how because who knows, I might call on you for support one of these days. That’s going to be easier all round if you know what I’m doing so…#followme, I need all the support I can get. Literally. Do feel free to hit me up for my banking/PayPal details to make an angel deposit. Thank you kindly. Let’s get into it.
How We Are Going to Get Our Groove Back (groove here is ‘best life’, obviously. Not Ben10 sexing. Although ‘best life’ may or may not include some of that, who knows?)
I was looking for a breath of life, A little touch of heavenly light – Florence+The Machine
See this rose? Beautiful, innit? That’s you. That’s me. A less glamorous, less alive version of our former selves because boy have we been through it. Nobody wants to be compared to a wilting rose no matter how edgy that might sound but darling, you can’t run away from the truth. Not forever. And like this rose the truth is that right now you’re not in your prime. You don’t go through the wars and come up, well, smelling like roses. The fight for survival took it out of you and now you’re here, a little worn around the edges, a little tattered, a lot sore, but still beautiful in your spent strength. In fact this picture is captioned: A Withered Rose – Still A Thing Of Beauty. Isn’t it amazing that there’s still beauty there, after everything?
You, however, are not a rose. You might be a withered thing but you still have a certain allure (fading fast if you don’t take steps) and you can be restored to even greater glory than before. Oh, yes. You can and should be revived, resuscitated, by you.
Self-care. Radical self-care. More on that another time. For now, know that you and Ican and will breathe new life into our lives. Just because 2018 was awful does not mean that awful defines us and will colour the rest of our days. I for one refuse. Which brings me to
After you’ve nursed yourself back to wellness what does your life look like? Picture it. In the minutest detail. No, really. Stop reading and dare to dream just don’t forget to come back.
From tired, dry skin to glowy fresh-facedness? From flab to fab? From ho-is-life to empowered sexual expression on your own terms, not the ones dictated by whatever mores are trending? What does your best life look like? Luxury hotels, budget camping or glamping? Think about it. Not who you were however many years ago when you were last seen ‘killing it’, but who you would be if you were killing it right now, knowing what you know now that you didn’t know then.
If you don’t know, this is the best possible time to commit to figuring it out.
This is the time to revive yourself, reimagine your future and reinvent your life. -Beauty’s Daughter.
Wake up to yourself, girl. Who are you? What are you about? Vuk’ emaqandeni nkazana and birth yourself. Iss a do-over. A second chance. Grace. You lucky thing, you.
And when you know what your life can look like in the (near?) future, you can add the magic ingredient which is
I know you knew this was coming. This is where you do the work. Those details you painstakingly pulled out of thin air when you were reimagining your reality? Now you have to bring them to the physical realm. Whatever it takes.
This is where most of us fail because we read the books and the blogs and watch the videos and the vlogs and then suddenly, nothing happens.
Because you bought the books and attended the seminars and took the notes – but didn’t do the work of using what you learned to create what you want. You’re arrogant enough to think you can grow from knowing when the truth is you’ll only ever grow by doing.
If your life sucks it’s because of one of two reasons:
You’re doing the work of creating your life every day, but you’re lying about who you are and want you want so the things you attract and receive are great but they’re just not filling that empty hole you have right there where joy, fulfilment and inner peace should be.
You’re not doing the work of creating your life every day.
Doing the work, completing the practises, applying the knowledge – that’s what separates goddesses from everybody else. Everybody says when you know better you do better and that’s a nice soundbite but it’s a lie. The truth is, when you do better you do better, period. If knowing was all that, doctors would be the fittest, healthiest people in the world and lawyers would never get caught dipping into trust accounts but that’s not how people work, is it?
Listen. If you need help, get help. Otherwise stop curating information and moaning about how sucky life is, and start applying what you know to your situation. Start. Doing. Better. Fuck what you know and reinvent yourself and your life.
Wilting, dying rose in 2018? Fucking vibrant bouquet 2019 and beyond. Abakathi one.
For minutes. Hours. Days.
The pain recedes taking it with it the despair
And the horror of it all.
I am free from that ghastly darkness
And I recall myself to myself.
And every breath
Isn’t a whisper of what I have lost
Or a memory of what is gone.
It does not last, that forgetting.
Always sharper than before.
Choke on burning pain.
A new memory
A thing heavy and hard.
At the back of my throat
In my chest
Weighs down my heart
Stops my breath.
Fills my mouth with kisses that taste of blood.
When I forget myself.
I remember only confusion.
Of being a motherless daughter
And also a neglected lover
Bloom where once love lay.
I am bewildered wondering why.
Then, those times, it hurts to breathe.
Because to breathe is to feed that pain
And make it sharper.
It cuts me to ribbons and then I fall.
Until the time comes
When I can hold my breath
For the tide of pain
And if I’m careful.
Then I can inhale.
Not too deep.
Don’t fill the lungs.
Beware danger there.
What is it to live without breathing.
What is a life of fear.
Not questions I can ask
Because questions have answers
And here there is no.
So I shrink.
Hide from the pain.
A coward and weak.
Until a moment comes
That does not cut my heart to shreds
Heart of foolishness.
My new name).
Perhaps that moment
Becomes minutes, hours, days
When the pain is but a shadow
And I can laugh
Ha ha ha
Out the corner of my eye
I see the edges of the coming waves
And I steel this foolish heart
For the onslaught of pain
Always. The pain –
My name is Misery.
Call me Sadness.
I do not cry despite that inside
Someone weeps –
Foolish, foolish heart
To wail and rail
Against what is.
But do not cry
Let not tears flood.
Because – what shall I say –
‘Tears are a gift given only to those with mothers and lovers
You are all you have.’