If I Could I Would

A young Dr. Maya Angelou

I would write you a letter my love and speak to you of that morning when we fell apart laughing, your fingers tangled in my hair.

It was funny that a man like you would be ill-prepared for the taking of a Nguni woman with wild Nguni hair; odd that when presented with grabbable hair you did not know what to do.

I would write of how we came together again: your lips claimed mine and I swallowed your words even as my body swallowed you whole.
It was right and good that tasting and feeling till I was gasping and writhing beneath you.

I want to write you a letter my love and tell you of that morning when you made me believe again in the magic of making love.

I would ask if you felt my trembling as I stood before you naked and unashamed; if you knew it was pure desire that fuelled a holy ache to be eased only by you.

I would ask you how it felt when you thrust deep and deeper still as my wimpers turned to moans and I begged you to take it all and give me more.

I would tell you about the heat of your hands roaming my body, cupping flesh, holding tight; I would tell you about the leg-shaking that commenced when your hand wrapped around my throat, how I felt no fear only ecstasy when you whispered my name and I love you followed…

Oh my love would that I could write you a letter of that morning when we made such wonderful love, when your arms felt like home and you fit like you belonged.

But oh my love, with all your love for me and mine for you how strange it is that you do not love to read and I, my love, I do not love to write.

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Somebody realized with a measure of surprise that three months of the year have flown by already. Yep, a whole quarter, gone. One blink and a whole ninety days have passed by, never to be recovered. That time is gone and there is no way to make up for it but that’s ok because you’re going to make the best of the next quarter and the rest of the year.

How? NEVER (1)

By reflecting on the last three months and changing what needs changing you can get back on track.
You may not be able to turn back time but you can learn from the past and design a future that will bring you the things you desire. As with planting trees the best time to design and create your life is yesterday, and the second best time is now.

Don’t beat yourself up, don’t quit and don’t lose hope. 

If you’ve stayed on track this quarter you can still take a little bit of time to reflect on the last quarter and even congratulate yourself (well done YOU!). Ask yourself these three questions to add a bit more vim to your voom and to help you stay plugged in to what matters.

On Reflection

Take a few minutes to visualize and then write down the things you want to be, do or have in 2019. This will get your mind focused on the future you want and off the past you can’t have.

Done?

Ok, now put that piece of paper aside and let’s get started.

  1. What went right over the last three months? 
    It’s so easy to despair and feel like the quarter was a total waste if you did not hit your targets or achieve your goals. I am prone to bouts of severe depression and in the deepest hole I often chide myself for being a failure, for taking up space on an already crowded planet. In my rational mind I know that I’m not that bad but maintaining perspective is not easy when your own mind catastrophizes and exaggerates at every opportunity. Take it from me, taking time to bring to mind and write down any wins no matter how small will be as a godsend in the darkness.
    Do it. 
  2. Where can you improve?
    Bet you thought the next step was to figure out went wrong, huh?
    It kinda is, but with a little tweak.
    Instead of listing all the ways in which things went wrong, all the times you could have done better but didn’t, all the little and big actions you took or didn’t take that made the last quarter a bust – instead of doing that, I want you to pull out that goal list you wrote earlier. Go through it and for each goal or desire write down at least three things you can start doing today to make it real.
    Maybe you need to start waking up earlier. Maybe you need to dedicate time to read or study. Or to be in nature. Or to make love to your partner you lucky thing. Spontaneity is overrated and planned dates are awesome. Or to journal, if journaling for mental well-being is one of your goals, for example.
    Success doesn’t come from setting goals, it comes from doing the things.
    Do the things.
  3. How committed are you and what support do you have for that commitment?
    You’ve devised specific action steps, now you’re going to make a commitment to stick to your updated plan, and find support. Maybe you need to hire a business coach for your business goals. Maybe you need to find a study buddy for that course. A part-time housekeeper. Standing dates with people that matter. Whatever it takes to make sure that you have what you need to do what you want. This life thing is not easy and it’s impossible alone. Don’t ask me how I know, take my word for it.

Compare the goals you’ve set today with the goals you set at the beginning of the year. Don’t stress if some things have fallen off.
Don’t let your past stop you from stepping into your future. Be like Idris Elba. One disgruntled fan in SA (me) isn’t going to stop him from living his best life. Does he care that I want him to stay in James Bond mode? Nope, not a bit. He’s out there rapping and making that Netflix money.
If your priorities are shifting (and it’s not just you dropping things because you’re too scared to follow-through) give no thought to what people are going to say.
Nobody has to live your life but you.

Nobody but you gets to decide what it looks like.

 

Lament For Womanhood

Devoted and dedicated
Woman tight, wet and hot.
Lust-filled interludes misnamed connection.
Moans echoing toes curling
Heart served pussy on the side on a silver platter.
Serve it to him because that’s who you are
A giver and a lover.
Capable damsel like feminists and rom-coms taught you.
Commitment secured with a ring of empty promise
Held together by too-short minutes of cuddles and lies.
‘You know how I feel about you,’ he says
And you believe your own hype.
Give and give until you run dry
Nothing left but hope deferred
And a remedial lesson in choosing better.
The futility of pouring from an empty vessel.
You beg but he’s sated
And the well-fed don’t give a fuck.
Too full of your love.
When he’s hungry he’ll reach out again.
‘Hey, stranger.’

© Beauty’s Daughter